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Ted CruZ got 99 problems (and then some), but a mailing list ain't one—he made that perfectly clear in his victory speeches this week.

When all was said and done, CruZ pwned that shutdown like a master, walking away with cash and prizes valued at $24 billion... and more!

An argument could be made that PreZ Obama also came out a winner—if only because he managed to temporarily deprive his enemies of one reason (and/or another) to impeach him.

However, you'd have to be a really devout Muslim to believe something like that; and the Flying Spaghetti Monster will not be mocked!

Ostensible GOP leaders John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, on the other hand, will be mocked—and rightly so; their heretical behavior must be punished.

And let those commies in the business community who were shocked—shocked to find that gambling is going on in here—be warned: Winter is coming.

Morning lineup:

Meet the Press: Treasury Secretary Jack Lew; Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY); Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK); Nobel Prize Winning Economist Robert Shiller; Roundtable: David Brooks (New York Times), E.J. Dionne (Washington Post ), Maria Bartiromo (CNBC) and Andrea Mitchell (NBC News).

Face the Nation: Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY); Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA); Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC); Mark Zandi (Moody's Analytics); Roundtable: Michael Gerson (Washington Post), Stuart Rothenberg (Rothenberg Political Report) and Gerald Seib (Wall Street Journal).

This Week: Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX); House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA); Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (R); Roundtable: Rep. Donna Edwards (D-MD), Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL), Republican Strategist Matthew Dowd and Peter Baker (New York Times).

Fox News Sunday: Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL); Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); Sen. Roy Blunt (R-MO); Roundtable: Brit Hume (Fox News), Julie Pace (Associated Press), George Will (Washington Post) and Charles Lane (Washington Post).

State of the Union: Sen. John McCain (R-AZ); Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX); Roundtable: Democratic Strategist Donna Brazile; Republican Strategist Alex Castellanos; Ryan Lizza (The New Yorker).

Evening lineup:
60 Minutes will feature: a report on the use of PAC donations for things like private trips and to hire family members (preview); a heartwarming interview with former Vice President Dick Cheney (preview); and, a report on two very different ways two individuals are going about trying to save the endangered humpback whale (preview).

On Comedy Central...

As is often the case when there's big news, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report were in reruns this week, so there are no new videos to share.

Instead, here's Jon Stewart's epic appearance on CNN's old Crossfire.

The Daily Show

Monday: Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan

Tuesday: Author Malcolm Gladwell

Wednesday: Charles Krauthammer (Washington Post)

Thursday: Actor Chiwetel Ejiofor

And audio of Stephen Colbert's keynote speech at this week's Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner.

The Colbert Report

Monday: Indie Rock Band The Reflektors

Tuesday: Author A. Scott Berg

Wednesday: Gwen Ifill & Judy Woodruff (PBS)

Thursday: Actor/Comedian Stephen Fry

Elsewhere...

Rep. Michael Grimm (R-NY) vehemently denied having sexual relations with that woman in the bathroom.

The weekend before the government shutdown, Staten Island Congressman Michael Grimm took time out to sneak into the bathroom of an upscale Brooklyn wine bar with a comely gal pal — for a suspected 17-minute sex romp, sources told The Post on Tuesday.

"It just so happened a couple people [at the bar] knew exactly who he was and kept an eye on him," said one source, a Brooklyn Democratic political operative who received a phone call from one disgusted eyewitness.

"Dude, I think he was in there having sex," the source said, quoting the witness at The Owl's Head on 74th Street in Bay Ridge, part of Grimm's district, which straddles Brooklyn.

"I think it was pretty f–ing obvious what as going on in there," the source said. "They said Grimm was in there with a girl for 17 minutes. I guess they were timing him."

Meanwhile, in the great state of Floriduh...

The KKK had a cross to burn with the Duval County School Board.

Nathan B. Forrest High School in Jacksonville, Florida, home to the fighting Confederate Rebels, is named after a former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard and confederate general. It has been since 1959, when administrators changed the name to show their defiance to school integration laws enforced by Brown v Board of Education. But town residents, fed up with kowtowing to racial extremists, are looking to change that.

One Jacksonville resident launched a Change.org petition that has so far garnered over 150,000 signatures, asking the Duval County School Board to change the name. The board members are only people with the power to do so — and, back in 2008, they voted against a name change by a vote of 5 to 2. [...]

All seven members of the board received a letter from the Traditionalist American Knights of the Ku Klux Klan urging them not to consider a name-change. It calls the school's namesake a "valiant man of honor," and justifies the KKK as "a group of vigilance to protect defenseless southerners from criminal activities perpetrated against them by Yankee carpet baggers, scalawags, and many bestial blacks and other criminal elements out for revenge or just taking part in criminal mischief."

And, in related news...

Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia offered up some color commentary of his own.

Antonin Scalia, the U.S. Supreme Court's token white male, had a very important reminder for all you justice fans out there yesterday. During oral arguments in a Michigan affirmative action case, Scalia pointed out that "The 14th Amendment protects all races," and not "only the blacks." You see, this is why we have a Supreme Court, because otherwise such insights would only be discussed by bloggers and people carrying handmade signs.

The blacks were not immediately available for comment.

That's all, folks!

- Trix

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